1. BREATHING AGAIN

“You must go on”: Samuel Beckett, The Unnamable (New York: Grove Press, 1958).

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three P’s can stunt recovery: See Steven F. Maier and Martin E. P. Seligman, “Learned Helplessness at Fifty: Insights from Neuroscience,” Psychological Review 123 (2016): 349–67; Martin E. P. Seligman, Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life (New York: Pocket Books, 1991).

makes people less likely to get depressed: See Tracy R. G. Gladstone and Nadine J. Kaslow, “Depression and Attributions in Children and Adolescents: A Meta-Analytic Review,” Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 23 (1995): 597–606.

the three P’s helped teachers: Angela Lee Duckworth, Patrick D. Quinn, and Martin E. P. Seligman, “Positive Predictors of Teacher Effectiveness,” The Journal of Positive Psychology 4 (2009): 540–47.

It helped college varsity swimmers: Martin E. P. Seligman, Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Nort Thornton, and Karen Moe Thornton, “Explanatory Style as a Mechanism of Disappointing Athletic Performance,” Psychological Science 1 (1990): 143–46.

it helped insurance salespeople: Martin E. P. Seligman and Peter Schulman, “Explanatory Style as a Predictor of Productivity and Quitting Among Life Insurance Sales Agents,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 50 (1986): 832–38.

it’s common for rape victims to blame themselves: Matt J. Gray, Jennifer E. Pumphrey, and Thomas W. Lombardo, “The Relationship Between Dispositional Pessimistic Attributional Style Versus Trauma-Specific Attributions and PTSD Symptoms,” Journal of Anxiety Disorders 17 (2003): 289–303; Ronnie Janoff-Bulman, “Characterological Versus Behavioral Self-Blame: Inquiries into Depression and Rape,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 37 (1979): 1798–809.

the thing I found myself saying most often: Women tend to apologize more than men. See Karina Schumann and Michael Ross, “Why Women Apologize More than Men: Gender Differences in Thresholds for Perceiving Offensive Behavior,” Psychological Science 21 (2010): 1649–55; Jarrett T. Lewis, Gilbert R. Parra, and Robert Cohen, “Apologies in Close Relationships: A Review of Theory and Research,” Journal of Family Theory and Review 7 (2015): 47–61.

only 60 percent of private sector workers: Robert W. Van Giezen, “Paid Leave in Private Industry over the Past 20 Years,” U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, Beyond the Numbers 2 (2013): www.bls.gov/opub/btn/volume-2/paid-leave-in-private-industry-over-the-past-20-years.htm. It is unacceptable that in the United States parents have twelve weeks off when a child is born but only three days when a child dies, and that almost 30 percent of working mothers don’t have access to paid leave: see http://scholars.unh.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1170&context=carsey. For a definition of paid leave, see Kristin Smith and Andrew Schaefer, “Who Cares for the Sick Kids? Parents’ Access to Paid Time to Care for a Sick Child,” Carsey Institute Issue Brief #51 (2012), accessed on December 16, 2016: http://scholars.unh.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1170&context=carsey.

grief can interfere with their job performance: Jane E. Dutton, Kristina M. Workman, and Ashley E. Hardin, “Compassion at Work,” Annual Review of Organizational Psychology and Organizational Behavior 1 (2014): 277–304.

grief-related losses in productivity: Darlene Gavron Stevens, “The Cost of Grief,” Chicago Tribune, August 20, 2003: http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2003-08-20/business/0308200089_1_pet-loss-grief-emotions.

long-term investment in employees pays off: James H. Dulebohn, Janice C. Molloy, Shaun M. Pichler, and Brian Murray, “Employee Benefits: Literature Review and Emerging Issues,” Human Resource Management Review 19 (2009): 86–103. See also Alex Edmans, “The Link Between Job Satisfaction and Firm Value, with Implications for Corporate Social Responsibility,” Academy of Management Perspectives 26 (2012): 1–19; James K. Harter, Frank L. Schmidt, and Theodore L. Hayes, “Business-Unit-Level Relationship Between Employee Satisfaction, Employee Engagement, and Business Outcomes: A Meta-Analysis,” Journal of Applied Psychology 87 (2002): 268–79.

Studies of “affective forecasting”: Daniel T. Gilbert, Elizabeth C. Pinel, Timothy D. Wilson, and Stephen J. Blumberg, “Immune Neglect: A Source of Durability Bias in Affective Forecasting,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 75 (1998): 617–38.

we tend to overestimate: Timothy D. Wilson and Daniel T. Gilbert, “Affective Forecasting: Knowing What to Want,” Current Directions in Psychological Science 14 (2005): 131–34; Daniel T. Gilbert, Stumbling on Happiness (New York: Knopf, 2006).

Assistant professors thought being denied university tenure: Gilbert et al., “Immune Neglect.”

College students believed they would be miserable: Elizabeth W. Dunn, Timothy D. Wilson, and Daniel T. Gilbert, “Location, Location, Location: The Misprediction of Satisfaction in Housing Lotteries,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 29 (2003): 1421–32.

cognitive behavioral therapy technique: See the Beck Institute for Cognitive Behavior Therapy: www.beckinstitute.org.

“Part of every misery”: C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed (New York: Harper & Row, 1961).

“making friends with our own demons”: Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times (Boston: Shambhala, 1997).

good idea to think about how much worse: Alex M. Wood, Jeffrey J. Froh, and Adam W. A. Geraghty, “Gratitude and Well-Being: A Review and Theoretical Integration,” Clinical Psychology Review 30 (2010): 890–905; Laura J. Kray, Katie A. Liljenquist, Adam D. Galinsky, et al., “From What Might Have Been to What Must Have Been: Counterfactual Thinking Creates Meaning,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 98 (2010): 106–18; Karl Halvor Teigen, “Luck, Envy, and Gratitude: It Could Have Been Different,” Scandinavian Journal of Psychology 38 (1997): 313–23; Minkyung Koo, Sara B. Algoe, Timothy D. Wilson, and Daniel T. Gilbert, “It’s a Wonderful Life: Mentally Subtracting Positive Events Improves People’s Affective States, Contrary to Their Affective Forecasts,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 95 (2008): 1217–24.

Psychologists asked a group of people to make a weekly list: Robert A. Emmons and Michael E. McCullough, “Counting Blessings Versus Burdens: An Experimental Investigation of Gratitude and Subjective Well-Being in Daily Life,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 84 (2003): 377–89.

People who enter the workforce: Emily C. Bianchi, “The Bright Side of Bad Times: The Affective Advantages of Entering the Workforce in a Recession,” Administrative Science Quarterly 58 (2013): 587–623.

Sixty percent of Americans have faced an event: “Americans’ Financial Security: Perception and Reality,” The Pew Charitable Trusts, accessed on December 14, 2016: www.pewtrusts.org/en/research-and-analysis/issue-briefs/2015/02/americans-financial-security-perceptions-and-reality.

The death of a partner often brings: Mariko Lin Chang, Shortchanged: Why Women Have Less Wealth and What Can Be Done About It (New York: Oxford University Press, 2010).

often left without money for basic needs: Alicia H. Munnell and Nadia S. Karamcheva, “Why Are Widows So Poor?,” Center for Retirement Research at Boston College Brief IB#7-9, accessed on December 14, 2016: http://crr.bc.edu/briefs/why-are-widows-so-poor/.

Widows of all backgrounds: United States Census Bureau, “Current Population Survey: Annual Social and Economic Supplement, 2015, Poverty Status by Marital Status, Sex, and Race,” accessed on December 19, 2016: www.census.gov/cps/data/cpstablecreator.html. See also “Income of the Population 55 or Older, 2014,” Social Security Office of Retirement and Disability Policy, accessed on December 14, 2016: www.ssa.gov/policy/docs/statcomps/income_pop55/2014/sect11.html#table11.1. About 15 percent of widows of all backgrounds live in poverty, compared with less than 6 percent of married women. These statistics are for widows fifty-five and older, who make up 90 percent of widows. In addition, 20 percent of divorced women and 23 percent of never-married women age fifty-five and over live in poverty.

And that number is even higher: About 25 percent of black and Latina widows are poor. See Jacqueline L. Angel, Maren A. Jiménez, and Ronald J. Angel, “The Economic Consequences of Widowhood for Older Minority Women,” The Gerontologist 47 (2007): 224–34.