2. KICKING THE ELEPHANT OUT OF THE ROOM

non-question-asking friend: Tim Urban, “10 Types of Odd Friendships You’re Probably Part Of,” Wait but Why, December 2014: http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/12/10-types-odd-friendships-youre-probably-part.html. For evidence that people are better liked when they ask more questions, see Karen Huang, Mike Yeomans, Alison Wood Brooks, et al., “It Doesn’t Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking Encourages Self-Disclosure and Increases Liking,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (in press).

“Our child dies a second time”: Mitch Carmody, quoted in Linton Weeks, “Now We Are Alone: Living On Without Our Sons,” All Things Considered, NPR, September 3, 2010: www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=128977776.

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the term “mum effect”: Sidney Rosen and Abraham Tesser, “On Reluctance to Communicate Undesirable Information: The MUM Effect,” Sociometry 33 (1970): 253–63.

Doctors hold back: Joshua D. Margolis and Andrew Molinsky, “Navigating the Bind of Necessary Evils: Psychological Engagement and the Production of Interpersonally Sensitive Behavior,” Academy of Management Journal 51 (2008): 847–72; Jayson L. Dibble, “Breaking Bad News in the Provider-Recipient Context: Understanding the Hesitation to Share Bad News from the Sender’s Perspective,” in Medical Communication in Clinical Contexts, ed. Benjamin Bates and Rukhsana Ahmed (Dubuque, IA: Kendall Hunt Publishing, 2012). See also Walter F. Baile, Robert Buckman, Renato Lenzi, et al., “SPIKES—A Six-Step Protocol for Delivering Bad News: Application to the Patient with Cancer,” The Oncologist 5 (2000): 302–11.

give themselves painful electric shocks: Timothy D. Wilson, David A. Reinhard, Erin C. Westgate, et al., “Just Think: The Challenges of the Disengaged Mind,” Science 345 (2014): 75–77.

psychologists literally call them “openers”: Lynn C. Miller, John H. Berg, and Richard L. Archer, “Openers: Individuals Who Elicit Intimate Self-Disclosure,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 44 (1983): 1234–44.

People who have faced adversity tend to express: Daniel Lim and David DeSteno, “Suffering and Compassion: The Links Among Adverse Life Experiences, Empathy, Compassion, and Prosocial Behavior,” Emotion 16 (2016): 175–82. Note that when people have conquered a distressing event and see others failing to do so, they may be less compassionate: Rachel L. Ruttan, Mary-Hunter McDonnell, and Loran F. Nordgren, “Having ‘Been There’ Doesn’t Mean I Care: When Prior Experience Reduces Compassion for Emotional Distress,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 108 (2015): 610–22.

“those of us who recognize in one another”: Anna Quindlen, “Public and Private: Life After Death,” The New York Times, May 4, 1994: www.nytimes.com/1994/05/04/opinion/public-private-life-after-death.html.

Military veterans, rape victims, and parents: Darrin R. Lehman, John H. Ellard, and Camille B. Wortman, “Social Support for the Bereaved: Recipients’ and Providers’ Perspectives on What Is Helpful,” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 54 (1986): 438–46.

In China and Japan, the ideal emotional state: Jeanne L. Tsai, “Ideal Affect: Cultural Causes and Behavioral Consequences,” Perspectives on Psychological Science 2 (2007): 242–59.

“American culture demands that the answer”: David Caruso, quoted in Julie Beck, “How to Get Better at Expressing Emotions,” The Atlantic, November 18, 2015: www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/11/how-to-get-better-at-expressing-emotions/416493/.

“a whisper in the world”: Quindlen, “Public and Private.”

I poured my emotions into a post: Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook post, June 3, 2015: www.facebook.com/sheryl/posts/10155617891025177:0.

opening up about traumatic events: For a review, see James W. Pennebaker and Joshua M. Smyth, Opening Up by Writing It Down: How Expressive Writing Improves Health and Eases Emotional Pain (New York: Guilford, 2016). For more details, see chapter 4.

the challenges of coming out in immigrant families: Anthony C. Ocampo, “The Gay Second Generation: Sexual Identity and the Family Relations of Filipino and Latino Gay Men,” Journal of Ethnic and Migration Studies 40 (2014): 155–73; Anthony C. Ocampo, “Making Masculinity: Negotiations of Gender Presentation Among Latino Gay Men,” Latino Studies 10 (2012): 448–72.

“It was the loneliness and isolation I felt”: Emily McDowell, quoted in Kristin Hohendal, “A Cancer Survivor Designs the Cards She Wishes She’d Received from Friends and Family,” The Eye, May 6, 2015: www.slate.com/blogs/the_eye/2015/05/06/empathy_cards_by_emily_mcdowell_are_greeting_cards_designed_for_cancer_patients.html.

Emily created “empathy cards”: http://emilymcdowell.com/. See also Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell, There Is No Good Card for This: What to Say and Do When Life Is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love (New York: HarperOne, 2017).

“When you’re faced with tragedy”: Tim Lawrence, “8 Simple Words to Say When Someone You Love Is Grieving,” Upworthy, December 17, 2015: www.upworthy.com/8-simple-words-to-say-when-when-someone-you-love-is-grieving.