4. SELF-COMPASSION AND SELF-CONFIDENCE

nearly one in four Americans has a criminal history: Matthew Friedman, “Just Facts: As Many Americans Have Criminal Records as College Diplomas,” Brennan Center for Justice, November 17, 2015: www.brennancenter.org/blog/just-facts-many-americans-have-criminal-records-college-diplomas; Thomas P. Bonczar and Allen J. Beck, “Lifetime Likelihood of Going to State or Federal Prison,” Bureau of Justice Statistics, special report NCJ 160092, March 6, 1997: www.nij.gov/topics/corrections/reentry/Pages/employment.aspx.

criminal records make it difficult to get jobs: Only 40 percent of employers would “definitely” or “probably” hire applicants with criminal records. And in an experiment using otherwise identical résumés, job applicants with a criminal record were half as likely to get a callback. See John Schmitt and Kris Warner, “Ex-Offenders and the Labor Market,” The Journal of Labor and Society 14 (2011): 87–109; Steven Raphael, The New Scarlet Letter? Negotiating the U.S. Labor Market with a Criminal Record (Kalamazoo, MI: Upjohn Institute Press, 2014).

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The governor of Texas honored Catherine’s work: www.legis.state.tx.us/tlodocs/81R/billtext/html/HR00175I.htm and www.kbtx.com/home/headlines/7695432.html?site=full. Along with our interviews with Catherine Hoke, details and quotes are drawn from Kris Frieswick, “Ex-Cons Relaunching Lives as Entrepreneurs,” Inc., May 29, 2012: www.inc.com/magazine/201206/kris-frieswick/catherine-rohr-defy-ventures-story-of-redemption.html; Leonardo Blair, “Christian Venture Capitalist Defies Sex Scandal with God’s Calling,” The Christian Post, October 31, 2015: www.christianpost.com/news/christian-venture-capitalist-defies-sex-scandal-with-gods-calling-148873/; Ryan Young, “CCU’s Moglia Teaching ‘Life After Football,’ ” Myrtle Beach Online, August 22, 2015: www.myrtlebeachonline.com/sports/college/sun-belt/coastal-carolina-university/article31924596.html; Jessica Weisberg, “Shooting Straight,” The New Yorker, February 10, 2014: www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/02/10/shooting-straight.

Self-compassion comes from recognizing: Kristin D. Neff, “The Development and Validation of a Scale to Measure Self-Compassion,” Self and Identity 2 (2003): 223–50. See also Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself (New York: William Morrow, 2011).

In a study of people whose marriages fell apart: David A. Sbarra, Hillary L. Smith, and Matthias R. Mehl, “When Leaving Your Ex, Love Yourself: Observational Ratings of Self-Compassion Predict the Course of Emotional Recovery Following Marital Separation,” Psychological Science 23 (2012): 261–69.

For soldiers returning from war: Regina Hiraoka, Eric C. Meyer, Nathan A. Kimbrel, et al., “Self-Compassion as a Prospective Predictor of PTSD Symptom Severity Among Trauma-Exposed U.S. Iraq and Afghanistan War Veterans,” Journal of Traumatic Stress 28 (2015): 127–33.

Self-compassion is associated with greater happiness: Kristin D. Neff, “Self-Compassion, Self-Esteem, and Well-Being,” Social and Personality Psychology Compass 5 (2011): 1–12; Angus Macbeth and Andrew Gumley, “Exploring Compassion: A Meta-Analysis of the Association Between Self-Compassion and Psychopathology,” Clinical Psychology Review 32 (2012): 545–52; Nicholas T. Van Dam, Sean C. Sheppard, John P. Forsyth, and Mitch Earleywine, “Self-Compassion Is a Better Predictor than Mindfulness of Symptom Severity and Quality of Life in Mixed Anxiety and Depression,” Journal of Anxiety Disorders 25 (2011): 123–30; Michelle E. Neely, Diane L. Schallert, Sarojanni S. Mohammed, et al., “Self-Kindness When Facing Stress: The Role of Self-Compassion, Goal Regulation, and Support in College Students’ Well-Being,” Motivation and Emotion 33 (2009): 88–97.

Both women and men can benefit: Lisa M. Yarnell, Rose E. Stafford, Kristin D. Neff, et al., “Meta-Analysis of Gender Differences in Self-Compassion,” Self and Identity 14 (2015): 499–520; Levi R. Baker and James K. McNulty, “Self-Compassion and Relationship Maintenance: The Moderating Roles of Conscientiousness and Gender,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 100 (2011): 853–73. Importantly, self-compassion does not help relationships—and may hurt them—if people are not motivated to improve upon their mistakes.

“can be an antidote to the cruelty”: Mark Leary, “Don’t Beat Yourself Up,” Aeon, June 20, 2016: https://aeon.co/essays/learning-to-be-kind-to-yourself-has-remarkable-benefits. See also Meredith L. Terry and Mark Leary, “Self-Compassion, Self-Regulation, and Health,” Self and Identity 10 (2011): 352–62.

Instead of thinking “if only I weren’t”: Paula M. Niedenthal, June Price Tangney, and Igor Gavanski, “ ‘If Only I Weren’t’ Versus ‘If Only I Hadn’t’: Distinguishing Shame and Guilt in Counterfactual Thinking,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 67 (1994): 585–95.

Blaming our actions rather than our character: Ronnie Janoff-Bulman, “Characterological Versus Behavioral Self-Blame: Inquiries into Depression and Rape,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 37 (1979): 1798–809.

“the gift that keeps giving”: Erma Bombeck, Motherhood: The Second Oldest Profession (New York: McGraw-Hill, 1983).

guilt keeps us striving: June Price Tangney and Ronda L. Dearing, Shame and Guilt (New York: Guilford, 2002).

Among college students, the shame-prone: Ronda L. Dearing, Jeffrey Stuewig, and June Price Tangney, “On the Importance of Distinguishing Shame from Guilt: Relations to Problematic Alcohol and Drug Use,” Addictive Behaviors 30 (2005): 1392–404.

Prisoners who felt ashamed: Daniela Hosser, Michael Windzio, and Werner Greve, “Guilt and Shame as Predictors of Recidivism: A Longitudinal Study with Young Prisoners,” Criminal Justice and Behavior 35 (2008): 138–52. See also June P. Tangney, Jeffrey Stuewig, and Andres G. Martinez, “Two Faces of Shame: The Roles of Shame and Guilt in Predicting Recidivism,” Psychological Science 25 (2014): 799–805.

Elementary and middle school kids: June Price Tangney, Patricia E. Wagner, Deborah Hill-Barlow, et al., “Relation of Shame and Guilt to Constructive Versus Destructive Responses to Anger Across the Lifespan,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 70 (1996): 797–809.

“we are all broken by something”: Bryan Stevenson, Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption (New York: Spiegel & Grau, 2014).

Writing can be a powerful tool: Mark R. Leary, Eleanor B. Tate, Claire E. Adams, et al., “Self-Compassion and Reactions to Unpleasant Self-Relevant Events: The Implications of Treating Oneself Kindly,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 92 (2007): 887–904.

Turning feelings into words can help: For reviews, see James W. Pennebaker and Joshua M. Smyth, Opening Up by Writing It Down: How Expressive Writing Improves Health and Eases Emotional Pain (New York: Guilford, 2016); Joanne Frattaroli, “Experimental Disclosure and Its Moderators: A Meta-Analysis,” Psychological Bulletin 132 (2006): 823–65; Joshua M. Smyth, “Written Emotional Expression: Effect Sizes, Outcome Types, and Moderating Variables,” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 66 (1998): 174–84. For evidence that it gets worse before it gets better, see Antonio Pascual-Leone, Nikita Yeryomenko, Orrin-Porter Morrison, et al., “Does Feeling Bad Lead to Feeling Good? Arousal Patterns During Expressive Writing,” Review of General Psychology 20 (2016): 336–47. This body of research also suggests that journaling works best when we write privately, just for ourselves, and describe facts and feelings; that men tend to benefit a bit more from journaling than women since they’re more likely to bottle up their feelings; and that people with more health problems and a history of trauma or stress show the greatest benefits. And most importantly, there is a big difference between organizing your thoughts and feelings about an upsetting experience and ruminating about them—trying to make sense of them seems to help, whereas dwelling on them does not. “Many people often find that they are thinking about, dreaming about, or talking about an upsetting event in the past too much. They also find that others don’t want to hear about it,” psychologist Darrin Lehman told us. “It is these people that might try expressive writing. It’s not a panacea, it’s free, and the effect sizes are modest. If it doesn’t seem to help, these people should stop writing and seek some other treatment.”

Labeling negative emotions: Matthew D. Lieberman, Naomi I. Eisenberger, Molly J. Crockett, et al., “Putting Feelings into Words,” Psychological Science 18 (2007): 421–28; Lisa Feldman Barrett, “Are You in Despair? That’s Good,” The New York Times, June 3, 2016: www.nytimes.com/2016/06/05/opinion/sunday/are-you-in-despair-thats-good.html.

those who labeled their fear: Katharina Kircanski, Matthew D. Lieberman, and Michelle G. Craske, “Feelings into Words: Contributions of Language to Exposure Therapy,” Psychological Science 23 (2012): 1086–91.

journaling can backfire: Along with Pennebaker and Smyth’s Opening Up by Writing It Down, see the literature on critical incident stress debriefing: Timothy D. Wilson, Redirect: The Surprising New Science of Psychological Change (New York: Little, Brown, 2011); Jonathan I. Bisson, Peter L. Jenkins, Julie Alexander, and Carol Bannister, “Randomised Controlled Trial of Psychological Debriefing for Victims of Acute Burn Trauma,” The British Journal of Psychiatry 171 (1997): 78–81; Benedict Carey, “Sept. 11 Revealed Psychology’s Limits, Review Finds,” The New York Times, July 28, 2011: www.nytimes.com/2011/07/29/health/research/29psych.html.

After loss, it appears that writing: Karolijne van der Houwen, Henk Schut, Jan van den Bout, et al., “The Efficacy of a Brief Internet-Based Self-Help Intervention for the Bereaved,” Behaviour Research and Therapy 48 (2010): 359–67.

talking into a voice recorder works: James W. Pennebaker and Janel D. Seagal, “Forming a Story: The Health Benefits of Narrative,” Journal of Clinical Psychology 55 (1999): 1243–54.

Self-confidence is critical: Alexander D. Stajkovic, “Development of a Core Confidence–Higher Order Construct,” Journal of Applied Psychology 91 (2006): 1208–24; Timothy A. Judge and Joyce E. Bono, “Relationship of Core Self-Evaluation Traits—Self-Esteem, Generalized Self-Efficacy, Locus of Control, and Emotional Stability—with Job Satisfaction and Job Performance: A Meta-Analysis,” Journal of Applied Psychology 86 (2001): 80–92.

the impostor syndrome: Mark R. Leary, Katharine M. Patton, Amy E. Orlando, and Wendy Wagoner Funk, “The Impostor Phenomenon: Self-Perceptions, Reflected Appraisals, and Interpersonal Strategies,” Journal of Personality 68 (2000): 725–56.

I gave a TED talk: Sheryl Sandberg, “Why We Have Too Few Women Leaders,” TED Women, December 2010: www.ted.com/talks/sheryl_sandberg_why_we_have_too_few_women_leaders.

trauma can also lead to self-doubt: Edna B. Foa and Elizabeth A. Meadows, “Psychosocial Treatments for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder: A Critical Review,” Annual Review of Psychology 48 (1997): 449–80. See also Patricia A. Resick and Monica K. Schnike, “Cognitive Processing Therapy for Sexual Assault Victims,” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 60 (1992): 748–56.

life can only be understood backward: Søren Kierkegaard, Papers and Journals: A Selection (New York: Penguin, 1996); Daniel W. Conway and K. E. Gover, Søren Kierkegaard, vol. 1 (New York: Taylor & Francis, 2002).

“small wins”: Karl E. Weick, “Small Wins: Redefining the Scale of Social Problems,” American Psychologist 39 (1984): 40–49; Teresa Amabile and Steven Kramer, The Progress Principle: Using Small Wins to Ignite Joy, Engagement, and Creativity at Work (Boston: Harvard Business Review Press, 2011).

people wrote down three things that went well: Martin E. P. Seligman, Tracy A. Steen, Nansook Park, and Christopher Peterson, “Positive Psychology Progress: Empirical Validation of Interventions,” American Psychologist 60 (2005): 410–21.

In a more recent study: Joyce E. Bono, Theresa M. Glomb, Winny Shen, et al., “Building Positive Resources: Effects of Positive Events and Positive Reflection on Work Stress and Health,” Academy of Management Journal 56 (2013): 1601–27.

counting our blessings doesn’t boost our confidence: Adam M. Grant and Jane E. Dutton, “Beneficiary or Benefactor: Are People More Prosocial When They Reflect on Receiving or Giving?,” Psychological Science 23 (2012): 1033–39. When university fund-raisers kept a journal for a few days detailing how they’d been helpful to colleagues, their hourly effort increased by 29 percent over the next two weeks.

cancer survivors were less likely to get called back: Larry R. Martinez, Craig D. White, Jenessa R. Shapiro, and Michelle R. Hebl, “Selection BIAS: Stereotypes and Discrimination Related to Having a History of Cancer,” Journal of Applied Psychology 101 (2016): 122–28.

Not only does loss of income: Richard H. Price, Jin Nam Choi, and Amiram D. Vinokur, “Links in the Chain of Adversity Following Job Loss: How Financial Strain and Loss of Personal Control Lead to Depression, Impaired Functioning, and Poor Health,” Journal of Occupational Health Psychology 7 (2002): 302–12.

By robbing people of a sense of control: Eileen Y. Chou, Bidhan L. Parmar, and Adam D. Galinsky, “Economic Insecurity Increases Physical Pain,” Psychological Science 27 (2016): 443–54.

stress can spill over into personal relationships: Amiram D. Vinokur, Richard H. Price, and Robert D. Caplan, “Hard Times and Hurtful Partners: How Financial Strain Affects Depression and Relationship Satisfaction of Unemployed Persons and Their Spouses,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 71 (1996): 166–79.

To help people suffering: Amiram D. Vinokur, Michelle van Ryn, Edward M. Gramlich, and Richard H. Price, “Long-Term Follow-Up and Benefit-Cost Analysis of the Jobs Program: A Preventive Intervention for the Unemployed,” Journal of Applied Psychology 76 (1991): 213–19; “The Jobs Project for the Unemployed: Update,” Michigan Prevention Research Center, accessed on December 15, 2016: www.isr.umich.edu/src/seh/mprc/jobsupdt.html.

programs like this can make a difference: Songqi Liu, Jason L. Huang, and Mo Wang, “Effectiveness of Job Search Interventions: A Meta-Analytic Review,” Psychological Bulletin 140 (2014): 1009–41.

the number of single mothers: Sarah Jane Glynn, “Breadwinning Mothers, Then and Now,” Center for American Progress, June 20, 2014: www.americanprogress.org/issues/labor/report/2014/06/20/92355/breadwinning-mothers-then-and-now/.

Today almost 30 percent of families: United States Census Bureau, “America’s Families and Living Arrangements, 2015: Family Groups (FG Table Series),” accessed on December 15, 2016: www.census.gov/hhes/families/data/cps2015FG.html.

The costs of placing: Child Care Aware of America, “Parents and the High Cost of Child Care: 2015 Report”: http://usa.childcareaware.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Parents-and-the-High-Cost-of-Child-Care-2015-FINAL.pdf.

single mothers have the highest rates: Institute for Women’s Policy Research, “Status of Women in the States,” April 8, 2015: http://statusofwomendata.org/press-releases/in-every-u-s-state-women-including-millennials-are-more-likely-than-men-to-live-in-poverty-despite-gains-in-higher-education/.

almost twice as likely to be poor: United States Census Bureau, “Historical Poverty Tables: People and Families—1959 to 2015,” accessed on December 19, 2016: www.census.gov/data/tables/time-series/demo/income-poverty/historical-poverty-people.html.

Almost a third of single mothers: United States Department of Agriculture, “Key Statistics & Graphics,” accessed on December 16, 2016: www.ers.usda.gov/topics/food-nutrition-assistance/food-security-in-the-us/key-statistics-graphics.aspx.

Stand Up for Kids campaign: After family food distributions the school experienced a year-over-year reduction in student absenteeism of 32 percent, and monthly health complaints dropped by 72 percent. Presentation by Sonya Arriola, president of Sacred Heart Nativity Schools, accessed on December 19, 2016.

offering support through personal hardships: Adam M. Grant, Jane E. Dutton, and Brent D. Rosso, “Giving Commitment: Employee Support Programs and the Prosocial Sensemaking Process,” Academy of Management Journal 51 (2008): 898–918.